with every song i hear about being lonely, i see the writer and they never really look like me

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i'm exhausted. i'm not sure how i'm still here honestly but i'm writing this as. a thank you i suppose, i guess it's a little like an autobiography for if i die someday soon

maybe its an apology too. i have a lot to be sorry for

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honestly i'd probably have killed myself two years ago if it weren't for the fact that i almost found my best friend who had been gone for 4 years then. i never did of course but then my girlfriend came around and things were different for a while

i guess i was too much of a coward to do anything because i never felt like i had the right. my life kind of sucks sure but its all just mundane enough to not really matter, i suppose. im a domestic abuse survivor but i never really felt like it mattered because i never got the physical end of it. my parents had it worse than me either way. i guess i always felt invalidated because i never really wanted to cut my grandmother off after all that she did to me. alcohol petrifies me and so does glass and its all her fault

and i feel so small with all that's happened between me and my father because he might've abandoned me when i was young but he's here now, isn't he? i dont know i've never had much of a right to complain and everyone around me has instilled that into me. i hope they treat my sister kinder when she grows up. i will not let her suffer like i have

i'm physically disabled but everyone says it's my own fault. i guess it is but it's not a point i can turn back from now. but it makes me feel so insignificant. my mom had cancer when she was my age and struggled with her arm ever since and now she doesnt even have one and i have the audacity to complain that i can't stand because my heart rate can't stay steady and i faint when i try and im in pain all the time. but it's my own fault

she instilled a lot of those thoughts into my head when i was younger but i know she feels bad for it now. dad not as much. which hurts because i look up to him most

i've been sexually taken advantage of far too much in my life we're still living with my uncle who kept sexually harrassing my mom and nobody but her validates that fear. from my dad it's "your mom's a grown woman and you're a kid, you've got nothing to worry about" and from my grandmother... she blames it on my mom anyway. she always has

growing up on the internet kind of ruined me a lot. it raised me because my parents never really were able to for a lot of my childhood cause they were kids too and suddenly had two of them. so i got raised by my (admittedly shitty) friend group on animal crossing and at the time they were the kindest people i've known. now one of them's a groomer and two of them hate me and my best friend . abandoned me. and i only have hemsa left.

i wonder if i'll ever meet jay again. i wonder if she'd be proud of me now

if only you could see me now i know id disappoint somehow

i think thats the lyric. i haven't heard that song in a long time

the night she left was the first time i tried to end my life. the only time i went that far anyway. i've always been too much of a coward to ever take the first step

after she left i got groomed. but not really i guess because at the end of the day we were both kids maybe but he was 15 and i was 10. i wonder if he remembers who i am or if i'm just another afterthought to him

i've got an eating disorder of some kind but its not rooted in any . insecurity i guess it kind of makes me sad that i dont eat. i got so used to it living in a fucking trailer and being dogshit poor. when we lived with my dad's parents they hid the food we bought and when we were with my grandmother she'd gatekeep her own while we couldn't afford it so i got used to a meal a day if i was even lucky. i guess ontop of that there's the debilitating hyperfixations that don't let me eat sleep or stand until i'm shaking and about to faint but everyone around me doesn't understand those are out of my control. it's just "stop doing that to yourself! just remember to eat"

maybe it is that easy maybe they're right and none of these problems were real. i know my problems aren't real to the people around me.

i don't know why i never killed myself once i realized this was all there was. i guess i'm just naive and convinced that its fleeting. that the world will be kinder to me some day.

it's okay though. i've found my purpose and its to help other people. if i can prove to myself that i can love and be loved in a way that matters then it will all be worth it. and besides if i did give up like that it'd just be a stain on all the people who really needed saving.

people that i have to save. as long as i keep helping others i have a reason to live. it might not be the best mentality to have but it will keep me alive. i don't have to know what will happen next i just need to keep going.

i'm going to save all of my friends no matter what. if nobody else will be kind to them i will. i do not want anyone else to hurt

i wonder if i could've saved mayu

i have hope that she'll change. i believe in her because i can't bring myself not to. i believe in all of you

maybe some day her and mezzanine will be different people. and it will be ok. but the people they are now need to heal first

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i wish i felt like the people around me in my real life loved me. i wish i wasn't such a fucking stain

i'm not really good for a lot. i'm lazy i guess i'm fucking failing school i have to repeat the 8th grade this is the second grade i have to repeat i don't help around the house anymore i kind of just sit on my ass because everything's. exhausting i don't see a point in anything. the trailer's falling apart we were supposed to leave 5 months ago but every time we start packing everything ends up a shitshow again. there's rotting food and flies and piss and clothes and mold everywhere and they act like its my fault they can't get anything done. but every time i see one of them whether it's my dad or mom all they have to say is that we're stuck like this forever. but then they tell me it's my fault it hasnt changed

i've been living with my father for 5 months now and he isnt even fucking home its been my grandma and my aunt. even when i am meant to be close to him he's so fucking distant I wish i had a fucking father i wish i did i really do . i love my dad but my mom only ever tells me she wants to leave him and he says the same. i wish i couldve been a fucking normal kid i should've killed myself 3 years ago

i wish they loved me iwant mymommy

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i guess i only really feel loved by strangers online but you aren't strangers you know me better than my entire family by this point. i wish my girlfriend fucking loved me i don't know i think she only stays around me because i'm the only person she has but if it means not being alone i'm okay with being used like that i guess

we're not the same people we were when we first met. in 2 days we'll have been together for 9 months but it doesnt feel like we are

isn't it funny to feel so loved by people you've known for a few months more loved than your girlfriend or your own parents. it's okay i don't., i'm not complaining. i love you guys a lot. i love sunny and mezzanine and wardin and taylor and rae and star and quinn and vic and tragedy and pariah and marvin and quilly and mamma and inky and ani and jay and sam and i love you all. thank you for making my suffering a little less loud

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one day i'll die . maybe i'll be young and maybe it will be by my own hand. i hope it is i want my last moments to be spent as a child. innocent and pure

i hope i get to die before i lose hope in the world. i want to die hopeful

when i do die i want you all to keep going. i hope you all get to have a life. i hope it will be a kind one

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these feelings will pass probably. maybe i'm being dramatic. everything is fleeting i'll get over myself one day and realise none of my problems mattered

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my metamorphosis will be beautiful